Isn't that a BeeGee's Song? (those of you who are in my generation)
Our Kabbalah Class today at the Venice Holistic Center had a section on doing a physical body inventory to see what kind of stuff is stored within. We thought fear could hide in our tummies, hurt in our hearts, and anger in our throats.
It did not take much of an inventory tonight to realize that my heart is filled with hurt and sorrow. This is my first Shabbat home in 5 years (not counting when I had a broken leg and did not know one day from the next).
It is a sad feeling, full of sorrow and hurt. It feels like I should be with my peeps. Like I'm all pumped up with no where to go. My kind neighbors next door invited me over if I wanted to give them a sermon or do "whatever it is that Jews do on Shabbat." The offer was as they saw me circle the block with the dogs for the tenth time out of boredom. (Since my broken leg, I don't venture far from the house with Ruby.)
As we know -- time is a great healer.
As we know -- doors close and doors open.
As we know -- things happen as they should.
But as we know -- it still hurts. It is still sad. It is still empty.
Do I have the energy to really start up a new congregation? A moveable minyan that meets wherever we gather a minyan or two? In homes or beaches or parks?
Or should I just kick back and change gears?
My beloved Gordon, who makes every moment of my life "more better" knew I would have these feelings and booked a three week cruise for us after my Last Sermon. That will help me change gears and get re-directed.
So I am going to allow myself to feel all of these feelings; to savor the good times I have enjoyed as a congregational rabbi; to pump up for the Last Sermon; and then to let go and as they say, "Let God." (or otherwise translated: let spirit move me in the direction I should be moved.
It is not yet sunset. But soon. My Shabbat candles await me. As do my pups.
wishing you many blessings and much shalom